November 27, 2010-DEATH AS YOU GET OLDER?
Here it is 6:02am and I was awaken this morning by another called at 3:35am. Of course no number so I am use to such call’s especially when I get so many people upset with posting or video’s or even words spoken as to subject matter. The caller was a male, hard to say age, as never have been able to tell age by talking over a device. The caller asked if I was ready to die? Before I could reply, he had hung up. Of course I think always about what anyone has to say or even write to me. After all I am a writer or use to work for major newspapers as well because I always liked it. Now death and am I ready at the age of 64? Hmm, well to be honest no I am not ready, but if I have no control over my demise then there will not be much that I can do about it. If I have control over when and if I am to die, then I prefer to see what the future has to hold. Yes, I have many days of bad as well as good. So, not in anyway ready to do myself in as your able to tell by now. Life is already way too short in my opinion and we should know more than I feel I do at this time. After I know all there is to know then just maybe I will allow myself to leave this planet called earth and move on. Move on? Do we really move on or is this stuff we call religion all man made? Now, believe it or not I was raised Catholic and even went to catholic schools when younger. I can only say that at the time I believed there was such a person as God or Jesus and even a virgin Mary. I have been as I said always a free thinker and say what comes to my mind and do so without fear of being sent to hell or the gallows or prison or even jail. No one at my age can force me into saying or doing things that I feel may be wrong. They soon learn this even if there wrong and wish to show the powers that they have. I may have to go where I don’t wish to because at that time they have the power that I don’t. I have control over my reactions as to how much pain I am willing to take and everyone is surprised that I can take a lot of pain even close to death and I still won’t break. In fact been suffering with so much pain daily for many years. Why? Because I can’t afford the expense and refuse to have my problems taken care of. Almost refused, I thought great I am going to jail for holding true to what I believe and then soon the state will be able to cure this pay by means of tax payers. Of which I am also a tax payer, but live now on a limited income of social security as well as a small pension from my great retirement of twenty plus years of service. Nope, no medical, and I can’t complain to that because I had used a lot of medical for my kids when I worked for SmithKline, and to be honest I even felt bad not having to pay more than I had to in order to save one of my kids from an emergency. In fact the doctors even said to get the family together as it doesn’t look like he is going to make it. Well, he made it and thousands of dollars later he was back and living among the living because of good insurance I had with my employer. Best company I ever in my life worked for and still held down another job or two even while raising my family. Death I think a lot of as never did when I worked as was just way to busy and I can think back as to how many times death has approached those in my family and even me. But, never really concerned myself with it until this called decided for whatever reason to ask if I am ready. So, this is why I mention it now as I am thinking of death and how many times I have come close to it and those as well close to me. My first son, almost died when he was born, and we were by his side day and night and he made it as well. I lost a very close and dear friend close to me in Viet Nam and still today wonder why him and not me? He I think of daily and always have since that war of what now forty years ago? That is something that I see almost every few months people passing on that I grew up with and here I am still going. I ask why and wonder why am I spared and always feel bad that I never visited many who had passed on. Even when my mother passed on I still have that thought before she went out of this world and the last words were “help Me”. I kept asking what is wrong how can I help? That also is still with me today. Everyday I went to the hospital she was still in a coma and never awoke and then later on I could not take it any more and told her that was the last time that I am coming to visit her as it was just to hard on me and she was never there awake. She died that evening and my father called me early that morning to let me know as the doctor called him. Since were the type of family that don’t believe in holding a gathering of goodbye wishes etc. We all decided to be cremated and would not involve friends or family to suffer at any so called wake. I think my family did this for me after learning of my best friend being killed in the Viet. Nam war. Plus the fact I was shocked to see an open casket of my grandfather when he passed away. When my grandmother passed away, I did not attend as I was working and just started a new job and had to care for my own family. Besides she was dead, what good would it do. Then I thought wow now I have no grandparents and my uncle and me never seen eye to eye on nothing and never understood why as he was my mom’s brother and the only person she had left in her family at that time. Then a few years later I was left with no parents. Sure I have a brother and sister that live in different parts of the United States but we never were that close and we talk if lucky maybe once a year or my brother and I do, My sister and I have not spoken for many years since our mother and father passed on. We all came from the same cloth but went on to different life styles I guess you can say. I departed the rest of my childhood friends when I decided to save my older kids from drugs and make a move to get out of an area and hopefully change. Wrong decision I made as the drugs just followed is all. I was always informed about friends that passed on and with being retired and still having to care for grand kids even today, I could never run back and forth over two miles as the expense now days is just to much for me to handle. But, today I am thinking of all those people and as well wondering why I am still alive and I get a lot of things from people saying it is not my time is all. I have not finished what I was placed here for yet. Then when is that time. No one knows. How is my belief today? I believe in a higher spirit be it called whatever name you wish to use. After all everyone has a different view when it comes to religion and of course only there religion is the truth. I read a lot on all religions and still feel there is a higher spirit as I like to say just in case. Is there another part of your body that can’t be destroyed. Yes, the soul as that is the spirit in all of us from the beginning. We all have spirits that are around us daily and have never left us since the day you came into this world. Those same spirits which many Christians call angels are with you even when you die so as to direct you to your next path or future. Some say they have seen death and the light and so on. Have they? No one will really know as there spirits may have shown them something for them to continue with the living. In other words they were forced to make that person continue life so they were shown what many of us will see when it is time. I felt I was shown many times my life and seen it flash many times before me in certain situations that I still today don’t understand. I am always taken just in the nick of time to see my doctor a few years back and asked how did I get in here. I would say walked, and then asked where did you drive from and they were amazed. But, was that because I was close to death? Maybe they think so, but I never felt I was. Is anyone really ready for death? I don’t think anyone really is. I think most people want to live and then I seen people in such pain that they wished death would come. My mother was that way and suffered for years with pain. Finally her doctor gave her enough morphine to place her in a coma to die. I learned of this only after getting in to the medical field and when someone has so much Morphine then there comfortable. Too much and it no longer works then it is for show to the living only. The person you will not see any longer suffering as there in a coma until there starved to death from monitoring feeding tubes are removed. There suffering with no water or nothing because there in a coma placed there by the doctor. But, meanwhile they are suffering until they die from starvation or no water and the body just shuts down. Of course when you learn all this there is not much anyone can do about it after all it already took place and besides I remember my mother telling me that she never wanted to be in a rest home or kept alive by feeding tubes. But, I think of death always and never really feared it. As I said I seen way to much in my life time and only now say that I am glad that I don’t have to see it any more. No, I do not fear death as I feel I did as good as possible in my life with what I had to work with. I always did right by helping others and always let myself be the first to be attacked before I make war on the wrong doer. I have had thousands of dollars stolen from me over my life and never harmed anyone over it. I would attack them after a period of time if they did not do right. Once I had a contractor that made all sorts of promises on property and I believed every word he said until he got from me over five thousand dollars. I tried to get it back and get him to do the work. So, went to his home, which was his mothers home and asked for my money back so I could hire someone to do the job. He had spent it all on drinking. I decided to take him to court, then he filed bankruptcy, so I lost all that money. Then my home was raided for drugs and I had tens of thousands in my safe because of homes I was planning to buy for rentals as I did before relocating here. Of course I was at work at the time and informed that my house was being torn apart. Upon arriving home I was not allowed into my own home as it was a crime scene. I told the people I would gladly open the safe. No, we will take care of it. They did, they blew it open and cut it open or in other words it was in three pieces when I arrived home after they said to come back in a few hours. The drug users all rented from me and were at work. They found my son’s weed and charged him with all the drugs located in their rooms. Took while but he was finally done with all the thieves as well as the drugs. Now works and drinks all the time. Because of having to be charged when it wasn’t his. Why not me? I also was at work and never done drugs in my life as know how they ruin people’s lives as well as kill them. So what were they after? Money that they were told about that I had in my safe. Did they ruin my life? No, they made it harder, but not ruined after all I know something that everyone should know. You came into this world with nothing. Believe it or not your going to go out of this world exactly the same way with nothing. Now my question is DO YOU FEAR DEATH? Why? There is nothing that you can do about it as when it is time, it is going to be time. A meteor could hit your home now. Even a plane. Accident or is it your time. Think about it. Caller as well as e-mailers you may not like my way of getting back at people. I may be shut up one day as well. But, one day it will be your turn. Can you say you’ve had as good a life as me? So, caller yes I am ready if you’re the man to do it. Remember I said the man.....Have a great day and those of you that read these long winded real life stories. I hope that you learn something from them.
John Lewis
lewis1946@cox.net
